By Christian Thurston and Steven Shehori.
MENLO PARK, CA Citing numerous red flags, venture capitalist Bill McCamus has confirmed he will not provide emotional seed funding for his daughter Clara. “I see definite potential, but as a six year old her operating history is limited,” McCamus says. “It could be years before I’d generate any significant return on my warmth and affection. We’re talking college graduation at the earliest.”
Other factors cited in McCamus’ decision include his daughter’s slipshod personal accounting (a C- average in first grade math), and her untested salability. “To create a competitive advantage, Clara has to bring something unique to the table,” he notes. “An engaging brand can’t be built on finger painting and mild speech impediments alone.”
Of equal concern to McCamus was his recent discovery of Clara’s personal diary, labelled ‘top secret.’ “That certainly gave me pause,” he admits. “I had to ask myself, do I really want to oversee a start-up saddled with incriminating documentation? With my luck, the contents would get leaked right before my Initial Parenting Offering.”
While not ruling out a future partnership, McCamus believes his daughter should pursue other markets in the interim. “I’ve suggested Clara consider emotional equity crowdfunding,” he explains, “offering up bonding opportunities with siblings and classmates. Or as a final resort, her mother.”
Sources confirm this would have been the venture capitalist’s riskiest emotional investment since Baxter the French Mastiff in 2008. “A five-year freakin’ lifespan,” McCamus laments. “Geez, talk about misreading the commodities market.”